Epic.Fail

Other available titles for this post include

• When Babies Attack


• Sleeping is for pussies


• Screaming is the new normal


• What the Holy Hell is the Matter with You


• Babies - 1, Parents - 0

God last night was a wreck. It started promising. We had a nice day. We took the babies out in their strollers for some good shopping at Babies R Us. Then we drove the babies around for a while. Then we got home, ate dinner, fed the babies and readied to put them down.

Then. It started.

Nolan went down and slept. He was a champ. In fact, throughout the night, Nolan slept great, only waking to ask for his scheduled feedings. And he even did that right.

Lilly decided to hold us hostage. In fact, I've drawn a depiction of what Lilly Grace did to me last night.

Let me walk you through this. My sleep deprivation is making me less brilliant than normal. 1:00AM -- Feeding. 2:00 AM screaming. 2:15 AM more screaming -- in fact, "screaming" isn't the word for it. Take a fork. Examine the fork. Now stab yourself in the eye with the fork. That noise you just made -- that was close.

So, around 2:30, we take Lilly to the guest room to try to soothe her. We're ready for this. We read the books. We had a reference copy of "Happiest Baby on the Block" with us, and we followed all the steps. Nothing. In fact, I now officially declare fatwah on "Happiest Baby on the Block" and the so-called "Doctor" Harvey Karp who wrote it. Dead to me.

Now....3:00 AM -- still screaming. Just insane. Just an unfortunate concert of one. She's clearly distressed, but about what? Then....in a moment that can only be described as brilliant.... TUMMY DROPS! After all, I had already sung the praises of tummy drops. So we dosed her up and said the obligatory "Tummy Drops are better than sex".

Yeah right. Maybe sex in prison.

The tummy drops were an epic.fail. Nothing. I curse tummy drops. Stupid sales of hope in a dropper!

It's at this moment we realized

The problem is that we had no clue how to "do it right". My wife suggested that she stay up with Lilly while I sleep with Nolan. I will always love her for this. Poor thing was on the phone with our pediatrician at 5:30 or 6 in the morning. They suggested taking her to Childrens. Right about then Lilly went to sleep. Blissful sleep. Wife slept for probably 30 to 45 minutes last night. I probably got 2 hours. I love her more because of this.

We ended up calling my mother to have her come watch the kids while we slept. Just insane.

I've heard the first three months are sometimes called the fourth trimester. I kinda wish we could just shove them back in for these three months then. Bring them out when they love you back. My wife disagrees with this. Can't imagine why.

Plus. We may be getting sick. Fuck.