Sorry. I'll make up for it by breaking this one down into a series of separate stories.
First Story: My excuses
I'm lazy. How's that for easy? Coupled with my laziness though is something a little more legitimate. When the kids first got home, everything was new. The car seats, the screaming, the pooping, the screaming, the cribs, the barfing, and the screaming. It was all new. So I had a lot to write about.
Now the kids are three months old (time flies). They're in a bit of a routine, they go to sleep at 6:00 or so, Nolan wakes up around 11 and again at 3 or 4 to eat. He eats and usually goes right back to sleep. Lilly will usually sleep until 5 or 6 am when she'll wake up for the morning. So I've got one kid who sleeps for about 5 hours at a stretch and another who will go for 10 to 12 hours. Not too shabby.
Also, not much to write about.
Now I could run this blog like many other parents and go on and on about how awesome they are or how much I love them or how cute it is when they smile at me, but y'all know that. You know that part already. It IS awesome, but that's not the news that keeps you coming back. I typically think of things to write about during moments of pure hell. Those parent-learning experiences that are too weird for words. I simply haven't had many of those lately, and it's because my kids are better than anybody else's kids ever in the history of time.
Except for now. Now is the exception. Which brings me to my second story.
Story 2 - That asshole who said that sick children wouldn't be that bad is a motherfucking liar
The title of this story is made up. Nobody has ever told me that a sick child was anything less than the parents take-home version of waterboarding. I think I've got two sick kids, or at least congested kids.
Now spare me the bullshit about "congestion doesn't mean sick". When the boy is stuffy and can't breathe normally it scares him. He's only three months old, and as far as three month olds go, he's mostly badass. But this "oh crap, can't breathe" thing tends to wake him up. At 1. At 3. At 4:30. And at 6. Lilly complemented Nolan by also waking up at midnight and at 6 (for the morning). So that was our Friday night. Somewhere in the back parts of my brain is a memory of Fridays where we'd stay out all night and party, go to sleep around 2 and roll out of bed whenever on Saturday morning or afternoon. Stoopid maturity.
The babies aren't seriously sick, just kinda sick. Neither are running fevers or anything, they're just less than 100%. It might be passing. So all that is fun.
And by "fun" I mean, "not fun at all". The wife and I are at the end of the line. I've been in West Virginia of all places this last week, and she's too (ahem) strong willed to ask for overnight help when she needs it, so she's been troopering this baby whirlwind all week. I came home Thursday night exhausted and the both of us have been dealing with this ever since. We could use a nap right about now.
Story 3 -- Some baby products are absolutely fucking worthless
New parents -- when shopping for stuff you need for babies, take a pass on this piece of shit
This colossal waste of time and money is a "bottle warmer". It has the following problems:
1. It doesn't fucking work
2. By "not working," I mean it'll make your bottle nuclear hot and unusable or it'll require you to do the whole thing twice because it doesn't warm your bottles enough
3. It takes forever to do, especially while holding a screaming baby.
4. It costs money, which should be illegal. I thought our government protected us from products like this. I could literally poop in a bag and sell it for the same money and it'd be a better value to you.
Here's what you need to properly warm bottles.
1. Water
2. Coffee cup
Zero dollars. It can even be a coffee cup with a picture of my friend Ed on it looking really happy to be holding a Care Bear pillow
This is the picture that keeps on giving.
Seriously though, there are plenty of baby items you need. So far, I've only found one item that has absolutely zero use and actually makes life MORE difficult instead of less difficult. It's that stupid ass bottle warmer.
Skip it. Perhaps beat the inventor for me.
Story four -- Valentines Babies
The babies say "Happy Valentines Day"
1 comment:
Where is the picture of Ed biting that pillow? Come on, we want answers. Nice to see that picture has just not faded into the past...I believe it will be my new screen saver.
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