How is it that I'm being terrorized by a pair of two month olds?

I would like to sleep now. But the baby mafia jihadists have conspired to keep me on the edge of my baby-monitored sanity by ekking out little "bahhhs" and "whahhhs". Not really crying mind you. Just those whines and bays that you know might very well turn into full blown screaming contests. Or they might go back to sleep. Which puts me in limbo! It's not like I can sleep knowing that they'll get over whatever the holy hell it is that is bothering them so as to prevent their sleeping. And it's not like they're planning on blowing it up officially, requiring me to get out of bed and rock/shake them back to sleep!

It's like clockwork. Almost asleep....kinda sleeping...OK now sleeping. "bahh". Now I'm thinking "what was that? Oh...maybe it's no..." "whahhhh". "Shit. Maybe it'll stop." "Ekkk, ." "OK, but I'm not getting up until that kid erupts". But then the little shits won't erupt! But they won't shut up either!

Please. Just pull the fucking pin already kids!

Kill me. Either scream like some imaginary monster is eating your head, or sleep. But this in-between shit has got to stop! Cause I can't do anything about in-between! I can't pick you up, cause then sure as daylight, you'll melt down like Chernobyl on a hot afternoon. And I certainly can't sleep.

There are baby terrorists in my house. They want me to die. Won't somebody please help me?

Oh -- and while looking for that photo of the hand grenade, I ran across the following website. http://www.mybabyisfromhell.com/blog/ -- I believe I may be in love with a blog. Although, I'm finding that there are some very real similarities to what I've written and what this genius wrote. Exorcist photo to describe child? Check. Comparing a child's screams to a grenade? Check. Who knew there was someone else with my level (or greater) of really fucked up humor?

Notes for grandparents

Babies are "technically" healthy, although Lilly will still sneak-barf on you where she'll drool out barf on your arm while you're rocking her. The delayed aspect of it makes you think there's nothing strange going on until you try to move her and find yourself soaked in baby-lungbutter. We had our two month checkup this week. Nolan is about 11 and a half pounds. Lilly is right at 10 pounds. Some lying motherfuckers in a couple books we read said that the kids would sleep through the night at 10 pounds.

We got the kids their first shots of autism on Thursday. Vaccinated them against a couple different diseases. We'll see if this vaccines=autism thing is really all it's cracked up to be. It's an experiment! We've got one to spare! (Kids, if you ever read that, please know that daddy makes jokes that hurt peoples feelings. It's not nice. But he thinks it's funny. Maybe it's because daddy spent his formative years memorizing the lines to Star Wars instead of playing football. Daddy loves you both, and whoever is reading this, I was talking about the other one).

Anyway, we got to witness what happens when children get shots. It's not pretty. Actually, for Nolan it was actually really funny. That little pill was being cranky as all hell. Cry scream snort, cry scream snort. Then he got his shot and he immediately got quiet. Like "what the hell, guys? Fine, I'll shut up! Just don't stab me again". Reverse this sequence for Lilly. She was being sweet as pie. Just lovely. Then she got a tiny little shot (just one), and you'd think we were doing civil war era amputation on her with a bottle of bourbon and a bite stick as her only painkiller. What a baby!

That pediatricians office must be a breeding ground for disease, because wife and I are both sick. That's nice. Being sick with twins. If those kids get sick, you might as well hit me with a bus. It'd be the only humane thing to do.

and now, PICTURES

Lilly contemplating the most effective way to blow out grandma's right ear.

Lilly gets pwn3d here, because grandma's right ear already
sucks!

Nolan already has it all figured out.

The two of them plotting on how to ruin mom and dad's night again!
That's just evil.