My wife totally kicked our baby into submission

This story is about two weeks in the making. Lilly was being particularly fussy for a pair of days. To the point where we started thinking about taking the manufacturer up on the warranty. Out of frustration and despair, the wife attended a mothers of twins group with one of her twins-parent-mother friend and other mothers of twins. These better-twins-parents (or maybe just more experienced) relayed their twins parent nightmare stories to my wife and re-encouraged her to take on "Doctor" Harvey Karp's methodology (Seriously, google the man, you'll understand maybe). So she did.

Before I continue, when I say "better" twins-parents, I'm not casting aspersions at my lovely wife. I'm saying there are parents of twins out there who have survived what we've gone through, many without additional help like we've been fortunate enough to have, and my hat is off to those parents. Wow. I'm seriously in awe of this whole parenthood thing, because it basically sucks ballsweat a lot of the time.

OK -- so my wife took the advise of the twins group and her twins parent friend, and she "Karped" our little girl! To tell the story in pictures....

My daughter, seen here in scary skeleton costume, kicked the crap out of my wife, who was new in town from New Jersey. While my wife knew a little parenting, it was mostly from books. The child had training from a ruthless ruler/sensei.

Here is my daughter taunting my wife. Her snarky brother is hiding in the background laughing. My wife was scared for her personal health. She wanted to return to New Jersey.

Then, my wife met teachers -- seen here as "Doctor" Harvey Karp, but meant to encompass more than just that. The girl is now taunting the teacher, even though the girl was a student of the sensei before and is now the actual sensei. She's talented like that.

My wife is still scared. The teacher just challenged the girl to a fight. The girl hasn't ever lost a fight. I sure hope my wife doesn't get her leg swept!

The wife trains. A certain music soundtrack plays in the background....

Try to be best‘

Cause you’re only a man

And a man’s gotta learn to take it

Try to believe

Though the going gets rough

That you gotta hang tough to make it

History repeats itself Try and you’ll succeed

Never doubt that you’re the one

And you can have your dreams!

You’re the best! Around! Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down

You’re the Best! Around!

Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down

You’re the Best!Around!

Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

Fight ‘til the end

Cause your life will depend On the strength that you have inside you

Ah you gotta be proudstarin’ out in the cloud

When the odds in the game defy you

Try your best to win them all and one day time will tell

when you’re the one that’s standing there you’ll reach the final bell!

You’re the best!Around!

Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down

You’re the Best!Around!

Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down

You’re the Best!Around!

Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ho-how-ho-own

INSPIRING GUITAR SOLO

(fade out) -- Thank you Joe Esposito

Then, at the All Valley Karate Championship, after kicking the crap out of my wife for several weeks, including a vicious sweep of the leg leaving her hobbled, my wife kicked that baby right in the fuckin teeth! (Not really, Lilly doesn't have teeth, but the wife did swaddle the girl with a ferocity normally reserved for NFL linebackers). The Karp Method WON! The girl shut the hell up for more than 20 minutes at a time! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

Then my wife made out with Elisabeth Shue. That was weird.

I emerge from this post 80s wet-dream sequence to tell you that I meant to write this two weeks ago. Over the last two weeks, we've learned that this dream of "Karping" the baby into submission is just a fairy tale. Kinda like in Karate Kid Part II when Daniel fails at the "Crane Kick". But we got her on new formula. The new formula kicked her ass. Which is a little anti-climactic. It's sort of like if the bad guys in the Karate Kid fell into a hole opened up by a California earthquake. Sure it's a good thing, but you weren't the one who beat them.