Real life marital conversation last night

Wife:

Did you really take a picture of our son chewing on an electrical
cord?

Me:

What? It was unplugged.

Holy shit, they're moving!

Every parent in the world warned us of this. A mere warning shouldn't be surprising, every parent warns every other parent of everything that faces them in the future. "Just wait until they poop solid" or "just wait until they cut teeth" or " just wait until they won't go down for a nap" or "just wait until they get sick for the first time". All of these comments are born out of good intentions, but you get warning overload after a while. But there was always one warning out there that kinda made me pee a little out of fear.

"just wait until they start crawling"

Of course, that day would never come. I don't need to worry about that crap, because my kids will be permanently the same as they are right now. Crawling? Shit, have you seen my kids? With my genetic poisioning, they're lucky they're coordinated enough to make it through each day! They're never going to crawl!

Well fuck me, cause they're crawling now. They're pretty good at it too. This started out slowly. Lilly started getting up on all fours and muttering about things out of her reach. Cute, right? Then she started trying to pull on things in a feeble attempt to stand. Adorable, right? Then she started to actually move a little and actually pull up on things to a semi-standing position. And then she started moving on all fours. Just a little at first. Enough to give us plausible deniability. "Oh, she's not crawling, she's farting or something".

She was crawling. Of course, in true Lilly fashion, she does it all tarded like. She humps her right leg behind her while she crawls. It looks like a crab. We laugh at it. The baby vet says it's normal. Sometimes she crawls normal, but most the time it's tarded crab crawl city for our Lilly!

Then she just started standing up on her own. Like "tah dah, I'm standing now guys"! I say "standing" but she was kinda wobbly, like dad in college on a Tuesday night.

So then there's Nolan, who basically just sat around watching his sister do these things. Well, he also got into the act. But his crawling, for whatever reason, was met with more faceplants than Lilly's.

Speaking of faceplants, when a baby does a faceplant, it's fucking serious! It's a legitimate "bam!" right on the face! No bracing, nothing. Just a "lah lah lah, I'm a baby and *wham* shit, now I'm on my face". If this ever happened to me with the kind of force it happens to babies, I'd probably go to the hospital. For some reason, the babies don't seem to mind that much. Seriously, they just sorta shake it off. It's strange.

But I digress. So there's Nolan and he's putzing around trying to crawl. Again, this is ridiculous, right? They're not EVER going to crawl! They're just little tiny babies!

Fast forward two weeks. They crawl now. They crawl really fast, and never in the same direction! It makes it very hard for me, as a parent, to sit and surf the internet and drink my coffee and otherwise be uninvolved when they're crawling around looking for dogs, or electrical cords, or knives.

Yes. Electrical cords. For some reason or another, the sweet smell of rubber-coated copper alive with 120 volts of death draws in children faster than meth smoke makes Amy Winehouse appear. It's a constant challenge keeping the kids from lighting themselves up.

So it's a challenge. Every day they get into more stuff.

Here's video of Lilly doing her tarded crab-crawl to the doggie door. She doesn't actually figure out how to get outside, but it's really close.

The day after this video was shot, we got this picture of Nolan AND Lilly checking out the doggie door issue.

Lastly, I have this example of the shit I'm dealing with. Electrical cords AND a doggie door. It's like the trinity of things that will maim our kids. Except it's only two things. Stupid failure!